Accessing your Erotic, Playful Self through Safety and Connection
Maria Cheung
BSc., MPH, ABS
Registered Clinical Sexologist
Authentic Tantra Practitioner (R)
In our society, we've often been sold a narrative that passionate, exciting sex is synonymous with spontaneous, lustful encounters and therefore a passionate love life. But what if this perception is limiting our ability to experience a deeper more expansive, lasting intimacy and connection? Let's explore a different perspective on cultivating our most confident, sexy, playful selves.
Redefining Sexy
Remember: despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves. - Matt Kahn
Contrary to popular belief, our most sustainable sexy selves won’t emerge from impulsive lustful passion, but rather from a deep connection with ourselves first. This connection, once cultivated, and then shared with another, sets the foundation for the exciting ability to relate, express and explore our sensual and sexual edges with another - that is where our most thrilling, creative and sexually confident selves show up. Without safety, we’ll never feel comfortable to let go, surrender, get curious, request or step into exploring a side of us that’s been on our mind. We won’t feel we can “go there”, be seen for our rawest selves, and be embraced through it.
A Foundation of Safety
At the core of this connection is a need for a sense of safety, which begins within ourselves and the body we inhabit. This internal safety is closely tied to having a regulated nervous system and living in aligned thoughts, speech and action. However, many of us have never experienced this sense of safety especially in the area of sex and intimacy, making it difficult to even imagine.
Without this foundation, instead we may find ourselves caught in cycles of triggering each other's defensive trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn), leading to hurtful or inauthentic patterns of behaviour.
This is particularly true in intimate relationships, where our partners are often the ones triggering us. How many of us have been there? (As a Sexologist with my fair share of relationships, I’m here raising my hand too🙋🏻♀️). Consider that intimacy (whether emotional or physical) is in fact safety, and without it, it’s not truly intimate is it?
Breaking the Cycle to expand into Full Erotic Expression
To interrupt this cycle of mutual wounding around intimate topics, we need to develop skills to bring ourselves to a state of embodied safety and aligned thoughts, speech and action. Only then can we learn to hold space for another's vulnerabilities or confusion without being thrown into our own triggered protective reactions.
Community Matters
You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with - Jim Rhon
On a topic as taboo, uncomfortable and noisy as sex and intimacy for most, it can be quite the feat to find community that is genuinely able, ready and doing the work to approach this topic with authenticity, vulnerability and open-mindedness. As mentioned in a previous blog, this community can be hard to find because most of modern society remains largely sexually immature.
Consider the people closest to you: Are they interested in authentic growth and learning even in the area of relationship and intimacy? Are they learning to regulate their nervous system, especially around topics of romance, intimacy, and sexuality? Can they hold space for confusion and vulnerability without judgment?
Remember, people can only meet you as far as they've met themselves. Surrounding yourself with individuals committed to growth and self-awareness can significantly impact your own journey towards a more authentic, mature and fulfilling intimate life.
Developing Safety and Connection with ‘Non-Violent Communication’
In my Sexology practice, the first step is to develop safety and connection within ourselves. Then once cultivated, we are more able to share that safety and our curiosities with another. One powerful tool for this is Non-Violent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg.
The NVC process involves four steps:
Observe: What are you seeing objectively, as if you were a fly on the wall?
Feel: Identify and express your emotions authentically.
Need: Recognize the need that emerges from this feeling. (Ensure that the need aligns with the feeling)
Request: Make a clear request (of yourself or another) that aligns with the identified need.
Developing safety and curiosity within ourselves begins with being radically self-aware and authentic with how we are Feeling in the moment even with our most uncomfortable Feelings, and then connecting this Feeling with the Need to be met. Consider that most of us, when we are feeling protective and activated, share what we observe, skip over feelings and needs (because it feels vulnerable), and may be making requests that don’t actually satisfy the underlying feeling or need that’s unmet, leaving us dissatisfied or frustrated even if the request has been met.
Practicing these steps, with yourself first, can lead to greater self-awareness and improved communication in intimate relationships especially in an area that can feel particularly vulnerable and personal to express or admit. As you cultivate safety, and become more adept at identifying your feelings and needs in intimacy free of shame or judgement, you’ll develop a confidence and clarity in your sexual self-expression that will naturally become your unique playful and creative erotic self.
Building your Erotically Empowered Relationships and Community
If you are struggling to feel your most confident erotic self whether on your own in life or in an existing partnership, one place to look could be in how safe you feel in your own skin about your sexuality or in your relationships to be your most authentic sexual self.
By focusing on safety, connection, and clear communication, we can access a deeper, more expansive and authentic version of our erotic, playful selves. This approach may challenge conventional ideas about passion and spontaneity, but it offers the potential for more fulfilling, connected intimate experiences. Remember, true erotic expression starts with radical self-understanding and grows through genuine connection with others.
If you are struggling to cultivate safe community around your authentic erotic expression, consider booking a call with our Clinical Sexologist for individual or couple’s calls to begin cultivating your sexually empowered community.